Out of My Mind
by Kitty-kraze
Summary: "I see myself and feel myself but I'm not myself. I'm watching me but I'm inside of me. I talk and no one listens. I move and no one sees. I don't want to be alone when this is all over but I have no choice. This is my life now. It's not going to go away. I'm out of my mind!" Samuel W. Braddock
1. Prologue

_Out of My Mind_

**Chapter 1:**_**Prologue**_

_**A/N:**__ Hi! This story is going to be a little different. I'm not quite sure if I believe that everything in this story can actually happen, but I'm going to give it a spin anyway. Please review, I want to know if you like it, or what I can do to change something to make it better or easier to understand. Thanks! __ Please R&R!_

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Sam's POV:

So this how it ends, huh? Laying on the cold, Lowe's floor which is now sticky with my own blood, watching myself die. Not very exciting if you ask me but it gives me time to think about my beautiful wife, Julianna Braddock, our five-year-old Sadie, three-year-old Matthew, named after my best friend that I killed, and one-year-old Amber. Yep, father of three little ones. I am, or was still working at SRU, Team Leader of Team Three until tonight I guess. Hey, look! There's Greg! And Ed! And Spike! And, Jules? What is she doing here? In uniform? I thought she was taking today off to stay with Amber. I holler out to them when I see them climbing out of the trucks in the store-front's bright lights, but they don't hear me. I walk over to my body, which is bleeding out more that it was a few minutes ago, and sigh. Why couldn't I have just moved out of the way? If I had, I wouldn't have four bullets in my chest, my guts wouldn't be spilling out onto the floor due to some crazy wiring mess these guys tore into me with, and my head wouldn't be so busted up from that blasted paint can. I should've been smart and slipped out the back doors but no, I had to come to the front to nearly be slaughtered in front of the rest of the hostages. Am I sorry I did it? No, I don't regret a thing. At least they moved me back a few aisles so you can't see me. I had to admit, I've seen some busted up guys overseas and on the job and it doesn't normally bother me, but looking down at myself, I feel sort of queasy. It isn't a pretty sight and I sure don't want Jules to see me like this. Maybe if I can catch their attention, they'll leave my body alone. It's a strange feeling, seeing yourself and feeling yourself while being somewhere else at the same time. My body is unconscious, I know I won't make it for much longer, I've lost too much blood and I'm too injured. I sit on the shelves and watch my former team negotiating with the twelve men prowling around the store in regular civilian clothes, no masks or anything. Not too smart, but smart enough to bust me up this badly. I walk outside to Greg, who's mainly worried about my body inside and I tell him not to worry about me and to save the rest of the hostages first but he turns and walks away from me.

"Well that's rude." I mutter as he talk tactics with Ed.

Spike is trying to console my queen, but he can't say anything to make her feel any better. I wish someone would listen to me. I'm right here.

"Sammy I love you." Jules whispers inside Spike's truck of toys, touching a computer screen where the camera is focused on my body. Speaking of which, I should probably check on it. Maybe I can wake it up and get both of us of there.

"Jules I love you too, babe. It's going to be okay." I tell her, kissing her check and wrapping my arms around her.

She doesn't answer me. It's driving me crazy! I see myself, I feel myself, I'm not myself. I'm watching my body, I'm feeling my body but I'm out of my body and I'm out of my mind! I have some time left, I'll tell you what happened. It all started two hours ago.

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_**A/N:**__ Please tell me what you think! I really want to know! __ Thanks again!_


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**_**A/N:**__ Hi again! I know this is a little strange but I think you're going to like it. Hopefully…__ Anyway, please R&R! Thanks so much! __ Btw, this whole thing is in Sam's POV._

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_I have some time left, I'll tell you what happened. It all started two hours ago._

Well, two hours ago my shift ended. It was a good day, no lives were lost in the hands of SRU Team Three, most of the calls were easy to handle and we were back at the Barn right when our shift ended. I was proud of my team, like I always am. They're a great bunch of guys, though I wish we had at least one female to balance out all that testosterone and change up the dynamics a bit but, we don't. So near ten o'clock, at night I mean, I finished catching up on some paperwork and signing things and I thought I'd run out to Lowe's to grab some drain-unclogging products so Jules wouldn't have to do it tomorrow afternoon. Our upstairs bath-tub/shower and our sink has been very clogged lately and I'm starting to get tired of bathing the kids in our bathroom in the bedroom. I also needed a tire-pressure gauge, my Mustang's front left tire is starting to feel soft again. Yeah, I actually bought a car. Shocker, right? The 'Stang is manual, I bought her used. Anyway, while I was in Lowe's picking up what I needed, I stumbled across the paint section and remembered that we were going to re-paint Sadie's room. So I selected a few paint samples that I thought my daughter would like and headed for the drainage section having already picked up the tire-pressure gauge. In the drain aisle is sort of where it all went wrong. I was minding my own business, being a little slower than usual but can you really blame me? I have three kids under the age of five, hold two full-time jobs (Oh, I didn't tell you? I own and run a homeless shelter in Toronto, it's pretty nice if I may say so myself. Sometimes if my shift runs really late, I'll just stay there myself after I'm finished checking up on everyone and making sure things are going well. I know almost everyone that comes there, personally and I really love doing it.), and work all kinds of crazy hours. I wouldn't change a thing though.

In the drainage section I saw this guy and he's not real big or anything, maybe 5"8', prowling around near me impatiently and sort of nervous looking. Logically I thought that I'm in his way and he's trying to see the same thing I am but he's too shy to say anything. So I said, "Am I in your way, sir? I'm sorry. Here." And moved over, still looking at each of the products. He didn't answer me right away and glanced pretty shocked at me that I would even dare to talk to him. But he answered, "Na, you ain't in my way. I'm just waitin' for somebody. They said they'd meet me here." Well that solved that problem so I moved back to where I was, still trying to find exactly what I thought would do the job. "Okay." I answered but it stuck me a little weird that you would arrange to meet someone in the middle of the aisle in the drain section, but hey, there are a lot of strange people in Toronto, you know what I mean? I picked out the one I thought would do the trick and decided to wander through the rest of the store and see if I needed anything else.

In the very back, where the wood and furniture is, was when I suddenly heard screaming and three pops of a handgun going off. Instinctually, I hit the deck and cautiously peered out to the front of the store. I couldn't see much but I saw enough. That same guy from the drain aisle was there holding a wire snake that you would put down your drain to pull up hair or whatever else is clogging it. Though this wasn't any sort of snake I'd ever seen before. It had a whole bunch of strange attachments and wires with hooks on the ends of them. I didn't know who else he was with, since they were all in civilian clothes but I figured that at least the two other men standing next to this one with other "weapons" they retrieved from the store, had to be involved as well. Apparently, they had taken the whole store hostage, wanting the money in the registers and safes, all of the items in the store's cash value and held it hostage just because they could. What did I tell you, strange people. I began to creep up to the front to count how many hostages there were. Why I didn't exit through the back doors and contacted the police, I couldn't tell you.

I counted eighteen hostages that had been dragged to the front of the store, and counting me, that makes nineteen. Nineteen hostages and it appears that not one person had been able to call the police, especially since the perpetrators were taking everyone's cell phone and other valuable belongings. So there had to be more than those three guys I saw. And oh boy, there sure were. Just as I was turning around to retreat to the back I heard a cough and whipped around. Oh wasn't that a sight. Five men, all at least two hundred pounds, easy, all armed with something that could kill and they all surrounded me. Now I'm only one-hundred and thirty-thirty-five pounds, at my heaviest, I didn't really have a chance. They duct taped my hands and legs together and drug me to the middle of the semi-circle of hostages, presented me to their 'Boss' and everything. Boy, did I feel special! Not. I was and still am rather disappointed in myself for not doing something else and not getting taken hostage. While all of the perps were gathered around all of us hostages, I managed to count twelve of them. I heard them talking about the cops coming soon and that since they have hostages the cops won't just barge in. The cops won't, but the SRU sure will.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that it wouldn't be my team, but then I remembered that Team One was coming on shift just as I was leaving. I even talked to Ed about the kids and what a good day it had been. It still was a good day, up to this part.

'_Great.'_ I thought. _'Now my former team can see me all tied up tighter than a tic and rendered helpless. Joy. Jules is going to kill me when she finds out tonight when I get home…if I get home that is.'_

The perps kept me in the middle and their Boss was actually the guy from the drain section. Funny how that works. Frankly, I was something special because they drug me over next to them and began to kick me. Oh how I love a good kicking. Well I had the joy of hearing their plans. When the cops come, slowly begin to kill the hostages execution style and then if they come too close shoot at them or kill themselves. Real good plan, don't you think? Yeah we have a whole bunch of smarties. The Boss heard the sirens coming closer and you could just make out the red and blue lights when he grabs a teenage boy, he couldn't have been older than eighteen. They made him put his hands behind his head and sit on his knees.

'_Oh my gosh, they're going to kill him!' _I thought.

The kid was quivering even though he wasn't trying to. He kept looking at me wanting me to help him. How could I not do anything? I flung my on top of him earning a half a round of bullets to be shot at us, four entered my chest the other two hit the cement. I gasped as excruciating pain came over me. I was simply trying to breathe. Two of the four that had hit me, had buried themselves close to my heart, if not clipping it, one was in the right side of my chest and the other was in my abdomen, probably in my stomach. None of them were through-and-through and none of them had hit the teen but my blood was all over him. I tried to apologize a few times to him but it was hard enough to keep breathing. I rolled myself off of him trying to get any more blood on him. The other hostages looked pretty rattled from the shots fired and were shocked both of us were still alive. I laid on the floor trying to catch my breath and sniper breathe to slow my heart down. The mistake of closing my eyes, was my fault. When I opened them again, the Boss was standing over me.

'_Crap. This can't be good.'_ I thought.

In his hand was that weird wire snake torcher device. I sighed heavily. With a few flicks of his wrist, the snake was tearing into my flesh covering my already injured chest and abdomen. For the first few flicks, I held my tongue, but the pain became so unbearable that I screamed involuntarily. My skin was being cut into by that stupid snake and pulled off of me, exposing my organs. He hauled me to my feet once he could practically see my intestines falling out and made me walk to an aisle a little ways over and back. I held onto his shoulder for support with one hand while the other was wrapped around my stomach. I ignored the sting of my internal guts making contact with my arm and hoped the bleeding would clot real soon or I'd bleed out faster. While "walking" I heard a noise behind us. I glanced back and saw a perpetrator, a can of paint in his hands just before he smashed it down over my head, cutting it open at the back of my head. I crumpled to the ground, unconscious. I'm surprised that didn't kill me considering the force it hit my head. They drug me to the designated aisle and left me there to die.

I don't know exactly how or when I had this out-of-body experience that I'm in right now, but I guess it happened when I started to die. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm unconscious but I'm watching myself and everything that's happening around me. No hostages have been injured except for me, at least for now. I don't know what kind of negotiations Greg is doing with the perps but it must be working because it sounds like things are starting wrap up nicely. I just wish that someone would talk to me. Maybe they can't see me. That doesn't seem right, does it? I mean just because I'm out of my own body per-say doesn't necessarily mean they can't see me, right? As I walk amongst the hostages, they don't seem as uptight as they did to start with. I wonder if I die, if I will still sort of be here for a little while. I gaze wistfully outside to Jules. I don't want her to be upset but I know she already is. What am I supposed to do when she doesn't acknowledge me though? Oh I love her so much.

I sit near my body cross-legged on the floor, trying to wake it up but it doesn't work and I hardly know where to start when it comes to patching myself up. It's surrounded by a pool of blood almost. My organs are slowly beginning to slip out of the gashes. I'm starting to think that one of the two bullets that hit near my heart clipped it or something like that 'cause it's bleeding awfully heavy. Ugh, my body just looks like a mess. I start to feel sick and I take that as a cue to walk away.

The perpetrators are breaking, I can tell. One of them is crying. I guess this is one of his first time pulling a stunt like this. He can't be more than twenty-five, pretty young guy. I catch bits of his conversations with Greg. His name is William Zephoria, twenty-seven years old (close enough, same difference) with a wife named Callie and two little girls: Zoe, age 6 and Kelsey, age 2 and apparently he feels absolutely awful about this whole jig. I don't blame him, it's hard to do something that you know will hurt other people and even harder when you do hurt someone.

I hope Greg can wrap this bad-boy up soon. Oh hey! Here he comes! Ed, Spike, and….Jules? Oh no, guys please don't let her in! She doesn't need to see me because she won't see the right me! The one that doesn't look like ground beef, the one that is perfectly fine and walking around, the one that isn't dying. Too late. They let her in. Why do these things always happen to me?! I guess she'd see me sooner or later.

Team One and a few unis hurry the hostages out first before starting to take down the perps. Ed rushes over my body. I watch as he gags slightly before trying to find a pulse. Why didn't I think of doing that? I mean my body could be deader than a door nail and I wouldn't have known it. I just thought I'd be gone if I died. Maybe not. Well Ed yells that he found a pulse anyway and calls for a medic to be let in immediately. I stand over him, looking at myself. Gosh I look terrible. My lips are starting to turn blue. Man this is awful. Jules is trying to run over to me but Greg holds her back and tries to keep her from seeing me but I know she does because she lets out a choked sob, collapsing into his arms. Oh my poor baby. The perpetrators are arrested and taken out in cop cars.

That teenager is okay, not hurt at all and William Zephoria turns out to be a pretty decent guy, he was just swept up with the wrong crowd. Two paramedics come rushing in and manage to put me on a stretcher. I climb into the ambulance with my body and Ed. The rest of the team follows us. Once at the hospital, a little fight breaks out between my former team, my current team and the doctors. The doctors say they cannot operate on me because of my unstable condition but both my teams, (when Team 3 gets there) are pushing for the surgery so if I have any chance at all, they would try to keep me alive and maybe, just maybe I'd recover. Not very likely if you ask me. My team is pretty devastated, especially my sergeant. It's close to two in the morning and I'm getting kind of sleepy. I try to ask Jules who the kids were with but again, she doesn't answer. The doctors finally give and try to operate on me. I could've gone in the OR but I'm not a fan of hospitals as it is and I really don't like needles. I've seen my share of my intestines tonight and I don't care to see anymore. In I go. I hope this turns out okay, I have to sleep or something, I just can't seem…to stay…..awake.

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_**A/N:**__ Please review! _


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: **_**A/N:**__ Hi again! I have many people reading this story but sadly not many of you are reviewing. :/ I hope you enjoy this next chapter! Please R&R! Thank you :) __!_

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Sam's POV:

I just aroused myself from a nice little nap so please excuse my grogginess. I don't feel a whole lot better but at least I did sleep a little bit. Oh, hey! There I am! Coming out of surgery so soon though, that can't be good. Gee I look bad. Two nurses are wheeling my body on a stretcher, down the hall to a Post-Op ICU room. I wonder where my team is. Where was I sleeping anyway? How'd I get all the way over here? I follow the nurses into my room, after one look, I know this probably won't end well. I sit down next to myself, still sleepy when a sudden shiver racks through me. Gosh it's grown cold in here. Maybe it's because I'm not moving as much as I was. I try to stand, but I'm just too tired. I see my teams, current and former, standing at the door talking with the doctor outside. Team Three's Sergeant comes in the room alone to see me first though I'm surprised it's not Jules, maybe she's just feeling generous, or she doesn't _want_ to see me until she knows how bad it is. I'm no doctor, but I know the blue tube down my throat and lightly clenched between my teeth and white lips, connected to multiple machines and wires is not a good sign at all.

I watch as my sergeant sits down next to my body and next to me, wiping a few tears from the corner of his eyes.

"Oh god, Sam. Buddy, why did it have to come to this? I should've made sure you were home safely. C'mon, you have to fight, Sam. You have to fight for me. Come on Sammy. What about your wife and your kids? You can't just leave them. Buddy you have to fight. Soldier on, kiddo." He murmurs, gently squeezing my hand, careful not to disturb the IV and blood bag needles.

I sigh and place my head in my hands. This isn't good.

He brushes his fingers against my forehead and cheek, running his fingers through my matted and bloody hair. Another shiver races through me. Why is it so cold? My sergeant kisses my forehead, whispers goodbye to me and quickly exists, tears rolling down his cheeks. As Greg enters, I walk out into the hall. Ed and Spike are holding my little Jules as she cries softly. My current team sits a few feet away from them, their faces grim. A doctor steps into the hallway and pulls my sergeant to the side. I follow.

"What's the verdict?" he asks.

"It's not good. We did all we could in the operating room, but he was bleeding so heavily from the bullet that hit his heart, we could not continue. He is still bleeding internally. Currently, he's in a coma and on life support. Does he have any end-of-life request that says to terminate any life support." The surgeon asks.

"Uh, not that I know of. Is – is there no chance of recovery at all?"

"Sir, his chances are extremely slim. If he does survive, he might not ever fully recover. Going back to any strenuous work, physically, emotional or mental would be completely out of the question. He would have no more than a year to live anyway."

My sergeant's face falls as he pales. "If he did recover, what would he be like?" he asks quietly.

"He would never be the same. There are signs of severe brain damage from the blood loss and a near fatal blow to the back of the head. He most likely would not remember his teammates and would not be able to take care of himself. He would need to stay here or in a nursing home facility until he passed away."

"He has a wife and three young children, are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm very sorry."

Sarge nods once, running his hand through his hair, sighing heavily. Tears swell in the corners of his eyes and I want to console him, but what can I do? No one listens anyway.

"I'm sorry I failed you, Sarge." I state softly, another shiver tearing through me.

I begin to wander around the hallway, everything losing focus very quickly. I can hardly walk back into my room when my wife enters. Now that I know what's wrong with me, I hold her in my arms and kiss her as she cries.

"I love you, Jules. Tell the kids how much I will always love them."

Greg doesn't let Jules stay in my room for very long. It just watch myself for a few hours before growing extremely tired again. I try to stay wake, and wake my body up but I know it won't work. Hours pass by but my teams leave me, no matter how much I wish they would. A few times, someone will come in and sit with my body but it's rather depressing. Near four in the morning, I wake up and blink blearily at my body. Twenty minutes later there is loud, obnoxious monotone, beeping. A flood of nurses and doctors pour into the room, yelling directions at each other, pressing paddles into my chest sending electrical jolts throughout my whole body. Finally, the storm calms and all that can be heard is the single, high-pitched, never-ceasing beep until a doctor reaches down by the wall and pulls the plug.

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_**A/N:**__ I don't have much to say other than, the next chapter will be very soon and please review! Thanks!_


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**_** A/N:**__ Hi again! This is going to be a short chapter and I'm really sorry. I'm trying to finish up my current stories before my schedule gets busy again so I know it's a lot of little pieces. :/. Sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please review! Thanks!_

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_All that can be heard is the single, high-pitched, never-ceasing beep until a doctor reaches down by the wall and pulls the plug._

I hear the doctor sighing as he jots down the time of death and quietly tells a nurse to fetch a sheet as I see my teams crying outside of the door when they hear the news. I've seen plenty of deceased persons but seeing yourself, is a little different. I – I'm dead, but I'm still here. Probably not for a whole lot longer though. I feel cold and numb. It's like I'm stuck to my seat despite that I want to leave the room. The doctor eases the ventilator out of my lungs and throat, removes the IV's and disconnects all of the machines. The nurse re-enters, handing the sheet to the doctor who places it so it covers my entire body. He instructs a pair of technicians to take my body down to the morgue. I involuntarily move to follow my body but stop myself when I see my teams sobbing as my body is taken past them. My baby Jules is a mess, she's crying in Greg's arms, both of my teams around her, everyone grieving.

I collapse into an empty chair near my teammates and try to stay warm. I hear my teammates discussing what to do now. Call Commander Holleran, talk to my children, call my parents, alert the other teams, discuss final arrangements, though ultimately it's up to Jules and I guess my parents have some say in it as well.

"I'll call the General, you call Holleran." My sergeant tells Greg. "Jules, do you want to go home and see your children or at least call whoever is watching them?" my sergeant asks.

She nods tearfully and walks down to the end of the corridor, Spike at her side. Greg agrees quietly and contacts the commander. I sit next to my teammates and I've never seen them so upset before. I shiver uncontrollably for a minute or so before I try to follow my sergeant as he calls my family.

I'm not real sure how this is possible, maybe it's because my father talks very loudly on the phone, but I manage to hear both sides of the conversation.

"Braddock." Comes my father's gruff voice.

"General Braddock this is your son's sergeant. I, I have some bad news."

He grunts, signaling Sarge to continue.

"S-Sam just passed away. I'm so sorry, sir." Sarge chokes.

"Oh god," I hear Daddy mutter, a shocked scared disbelief that I've never heard before comes through his voice. "What happened, where is he?" he demands harshly but I can tell that he is very upset.

My sergeant explains what happened and I hear Daddy let out a choked sob, crying uncontrollably. I feel absolutely terrible. The only time I've ever seen Daddy cry is when Sara was killed and he certainly didn't do it in front of me, he only beat me every time he saw me for a few weeks.

"I – I'm coming. I have to see him." Daddy says.

"Yes sir, please, will you tell your wife and daughter as well? I believe her boyfriend, Spike, will probably be too distraught to tell her now."

"Yes, yes I'll tell them." Daddy pauses. "God, how could this happen? My little Sammy all alone, all busted up, oh god I should've been there with him. Why didn't you call me as soon as the incident occurred?!" he shouts through his tears.

"I'm sorry, sir – "

"I'm his father for god's sake! I should've been the first one notified that my son had been severely injured and might not make it!"

"General Braddock, sir, Sam gave me and the SRU in its entirety, specific instructions to never alert you if he was injured on or off-duty and to only notify you if he had been killed or found deceased. We were following his wishes." Sarge states softly.

"To hell with his wishes, he's never been given what he wants, why start now when my son was dying alone and in pain?!" Daddy yells and I cringe. It's true what he says, he has _never_ given me anything that I wanted so I just stopped wanting. I just took everything he decided to give me, good or bad. Despite everything, I miss him. I wish he could come right now and just hold me for eternity.

"Sam wasn't alone and he wasn't in pain. He was in a coma on life support, with so many pain killers that he was completely numb to the world. He didn't have a chance, but we were with him. He died in his sleep. Don't you care about the pain his wife and children are in?!" Sarge cries.

"Oh, yes, I – I um, how are they?" Daddy asks quietly.

"I – I don't know. His wife is about to have an emotional breakdown and I don't think she's told their children yet."

"I have to go now, my jet is getting ready to take off. I'm flying out of England right now, I should be there by noon. Please, give Julianna my love, I _do_ care, I loved my son."

"Yes, sir. Fly safely." Sarge says before terminating the call.

I sigh and suddenly grab for the wall as a small seizure races through me. I feel my chest tighten and then finally relax. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm not well. I'm a whole lot better than my actual body, I mean, I'm alive…well sort of. I slide down the wall to sit on the floor. I close my eyes and try to steady my breathing. It doesn't work. A few minutes pass and I don't feel so shaky anymore. I miss my children, I miss my wife, I miss my teammates. Yes, I'm still with them but I don't think they know I'm here. I feel ignored and unloved. I just want to go to sleep. I stand, using the wall to support myself, and walk back to my teammates. Jules is still crying a bit but I don't think the reality has really struck her yet. To tell you the truth, it hasn't really hit me yet either. I mean, I'm dead! But I'm still here! I don't understand it at all but I'll take it I guess. I sit next to my wife and try to hold her. It's all a blur as the hours slip by. I sleep on and off, many people come to give their condolences to my wife and Team 3 and Team 1. Many of them are officers, some of them are close friends from the base in Ottawa that heard about it and flew a whole bunch of them over here. Greg sent Jules home to be with Sadie, Matt and Amber and near eleven thirty I see a blurry suited figure striding towards me, purpose in their step. As they near, I recognize my father in his dress uniform. Apparently, Sarge was somewhere behind where I was sitting in the floor of the hall. He walked straight past me, kicking my legs, obviously, he can't see me.

"Gee, thanks, Daddy. Love you too." I mutter.

I look down the hall where some of my brothers- and sisters-in-arms stand in fatigues, with my teams. The flowers have yet to flood in, there's just a ton of kind, loving people. My family. My mom and Natalie aren't here, but I'm sure they'll be here later. Jules holds Sadie while Spike is carrying Matt and a really close friend of mine from JTF2 named Zac is holding Amber. He's a really great guy, real gently and loving and amazingly, he always understands both sides, he always sees the flip side of things. I'm going to miss him a lot but hopefully he and Jules will get along and maybe they'll stay in contact with each other.

"Sergeant." Daddy nods quietly.

"General Braddock, thank you sir. Again, I am so, so terribly sorry for your loss. We are all going to miss Sam so much but he's…resting now."

"Yes, I certainly hope he is."

"He deserves every bit of rest that he has now." Zac states, approaching my father, carrying my baby girl. "Sir." He says nodding tightly.

"Amber, oh sweetie," Daddy coos, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes.

My one-year-old stirs awake in my father's arms and begins to cry. The General doesn't quite know what to do with her and Zac gently lifts her out of his arms and rocks her back to sleep again. Daddy gives Zac a sad/grateful smile.

"Thank you." He says softly.

Zac manages a half-smile and nods, walking back to my wife, gently brushing the tears from her cheeks and lightly kisses her cheek. He wraps his arms around her as she cries and I find myself longing for her touch. It's going to be a long day.

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_**A/N:**__ Please review! Thank you!_


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**_** A/N:**__ Hi again! Now I know a lot of you are wondering why I killed Sam (nearly ½ of you that have reviewed have asked) and I'm going to tell you why. Over my years of reading and writing, I have noticed that many authors create stories where the main (or one of the main) character(s) are on the very brink of death but of course they don't die. I wrote that way for a little while, but I just grew fed up. Yes, maybe it's uncouth, but for me, an interesting story is one where the author writes differently. For the reality factor however, the main people and even the heroes in your life, die. Sometimes tragically and sometimes from natural causes but we will all die one day and no one is invincible. If I'm not writing something that's totally out there, I like to be realistic. That is my main outlook on life, reality, the really real, the cold hard truth. It's not always easy to accept, but I do think you will enjoy this story as it rolls along. I'm about ½ way through and I do have much more in store for you. Thank you for reading this far, and reviews, good or bad are appreciated. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy this next chapter._

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Sam's POV:

The day was a blur. I napped and walked and napped some more. I watched my friends interacting with each other in a solemn manner. Zac and Jules seem to be getting along alright and my children don't seem to understand what has happened. If anything, I think Jules told them that I was hurt really badly and that I wouldn't ever be coming back home. That's hard for kids to understand and Sadie probably doesn't understand it either. I'm just gone from their lives now. I miss them really badly but hopefully Zac and the teams will help them get through this. Lots of tears are shed, especially from Daddy who went down to the morgue to see me, though no one saw him crying so much. Mom and Natalie come later. Nat is rather inconsolable, even with Spike by her side but Mom doesn't seem too upset. I haven't seen her cry once, but what do I care? It's not like she ever really liked me. They have started talking about my funeral. Daddy, Sarge and Greg get into a little squabble about what type of funeral I'm having. Daddy wants a soldier funeral but Sarge and Greg want one for a police officer. The one thing I did mention to Jules one day on a random thought, was that the last thing I wanted was for my funeral to be some big rig-a-ma-role. So Zac said that they should combine the both. I was an ex-soldier but I was also an SRU officer.

Apparently, it's going to be held in a week or so. Sarge could only keep the press out of this so much and by five this evening, all the TV, radio, reporters, cameras, and all that mess were bombarding the place. The twelve guys that decided to hold Lowe's hostage are taking a lot of heat for what has happened to me. They interview my Sergeant, my team, Greg, Team One, my wife, Zac, try to talk with my family (they were not successful, when Daddy doesn't want to talk, Daddy does not want to talk) and pretty much anyone else. All that was slightly annoying and I doubt all this fuss would be made if I had been killed in Kandahar but I guess I still am the General's son, so big publicity there, not to mention I'm a not just a cop but part of SRU. When they put the cameras in front of my children though, asking them questions without my wife's permission about how they feel about me being killed, I flip. I jump on some guy's back, put another in a choke-hold, try to break a few cameras and take down the reporters before my father and Zac step in, obstructing their view saying that we will be taking no further questions.

Pretty much, the press didn't get anything they wanted, except a story that will be headlining for days. Even in one of the hospital lounges, where the TV's are, they interrupted the normal program.

_**Breaking News:** _runs across the screen for a second before they show a broadcaster siting at her desk.

"This just in." she says. "Samuel W. Braddock, General Braddock of the army's son has been brutally murdered in a Lowe's store here in Toronto. Off-duty Constable Braddock, former soldier and member of the Strategic Response Unit was simply stopping in to pick up a few items when the store was taken hostage by these twelve men. Braddock was gunned down while in the store. He was still alive when he was brought to St. Michael's hospital where he passed away early this morning. It is uncertain if the perpetrators knew of Braddock's past but all are in custody. General Braddock has no comment on the situation as of the current moment though the SRU and Toronto PD give their condolences to the Braddock family and friends. Thirty-three year old Samuel, commonly known as Sam by close friends, has left behind his wife and three young children, all under the age of five. Here at the news station we also express our grief and sorrow to a man that was a hero to many, on and off of our nation's soil. His funeral and final resting place has not been released. General Braddock will make a statement regarding the situation during a press conference tomorrow morning. We will bring you more on the murder that is shocking the nation, later." The woman finishes and it cuts back to the previous program.

I sigh within my shiver. All of Canada and probably America too just saw that news report. A picture of my SRU ID was shown, as well as Daddy's photo, all the perps mug shots and Jules picture. The station had wanted more intimate pictures of me but no one had anything at the moment. I have this sinking feeling that this is going to be all anyone talks about for the next week at least and then maybe Daddy can get it cut off. I don't want my name anywhere. I wasn't some big hero that they're going to make me out to be. Yeah, I might've saved a lot of lives, but I took just as many if not more. Matt is not to be forgotten and you know, that'll probably come out too, that I killed my best friend. People are going to think that I'm some sort of stuck up Army kid that always got my way and had a temper and was suicidal and that I killed Matt in cold blood. They'll make me out to be a monster and my children will always be frowned upon and no matter what good I've ever done, it will never justify that the day I pulled the trigger that killed my best friend in the whole wide world was a terrible, awful, unintended accident. I loved Matt as much as anyone could possibly love a best friend without being called gay and you know what, we were called that sometimes, but we loved each other. How can you go to a warzone and not love the one person you trust your entire life with?

I wish I could talk to Sadie and Amber and Matt (my child), tell them what happened and that I'll always love them. Maybe I can soon, but right now, I have to get some sleep. It's too cold and I'm too tired to stay awake. I find Daddy and curl up in his lap. He might've been awful to me sometimes but he's my Daddy and I love him. Before I know it, I'm already asleep.

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_**A/N:**__ Next chapter coming soon! Please review!_


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**_** A/N:**__ Hi again! Short chapter, please review. More is coming. __ Thanks again!_

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Zac's POV:

"Jules? Can I call you that?" I ask. Sam's wife nods tearfully, glancing down at Sadie, their eldest child, whom she is holding. Amber still rests in my arms and Matthew in Spike's. "I think you should go home with your children. All of you need to rest. Staying here all night, pressing yourself to the limit isn't going to bring Sam back. You know that and he wouldn't want you doing it either."

"I know. I just can't go home. His shoes, his clothes, his toothbrush, razor, his side of the bed. It's all empty now. I – I." she starts.

I wrap my one free arm around her shoulders, pressing my lips against her tear-stained cheek. "Jules, I know how hard this is. Really, I do. My fiancé was killed in Afghanistan and Sam was the one that held me every night when I cried and laid with me when I couldn't sleep. I know exactly how you feel."

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea and here I am blabbing on and probably making you upset, acting like a fool." She states, angrily with herself wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Hey, it's okay. You didn't know, it's not your fault. It was a long time ago. I take it Sam didn't like to talk about what happened over there."

She nods her head and I give a half-smile.

"You know, it wasn't all bad. We had a lot of good times too. Bonding, jokes, poker, game shows. We had a lot of fun, even when we out in the field." I enlighten her remembering the games Sam, Matt, Felipe and I would play.

"I'm sure you did." She says smiling.

"C'mon, I'll take you home." I state, not leaving her a chance to argue with me. I place my free hand on her back, leading her. We stop to scoop up Matthew and do a little kid re-arranging. "Sergeant Parker, sir? I'm going to be taking Julianna home, sir." I state when we are about to pass him.

"That's fine, Zac. Thank you. You make sure that they're all settled in and taken care of."

"Yes sir." I answer before I walk Julianna out to her Jeep. We place the children in their designated car seats and buckle them up. "I'm driving." I tell her, climbing into the driver's seat.

She opens her mouth and then closes it as she opens the passenger side door, settling into the seat.

"You can go to sleep. I know where your house is. I saw the address on some paper work you were filling out." I inform shyly.

"Okay." Is all she says in reply.

About forty minutes later, I pull the Jeep into their driveway, disengaging the engine which of course wakes Jules up. She carries Matthew inside while I take the two girls in. She shows me where their bedrooms are and we both change the three of them into their pajamas. I wait in the kitchen as she washes up and changes as well.

"Zac?" she calls softly, her voice drifting down the hall from her bedroom.

"Yes?"

"Can you come here for a minute?"

"I'll be right there." I open the door to their bedroom and sit on the bed next to her as she beckoned me too.

"Thank you. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, losing your friends right and left nearly every day. It means so much to me and the children that you're just not someone else that tells us how sorry you are and brings flowers or a card but you're here because you and Sam were close and you really care about us." She says. "Thank you so much."

She leans forward, lightly kissing my cheek. I stare slightly startled at her but return her gesture with a hug.

"Oh gosh, you don't have a way to get back to your team." She states suddenly. "Do you want me to drive you back or if you want to you can stay in the guest bedroom. I'm sure you can sleep in something of Sam's."

"Thank you for your hospitality. I'll call my team and leave first thing in the morning unless you need me." I answer.

"What time is 'first thing'?"

"About three thirty, maybe four." I answer.

"Oh."

"That is, if you don't need me. I'll definitely see you at his funeral."

"I think I'd like you to stay tomorrow, if that's okay, at least until nine or ten." She suggests.

"Okay. I'll be here then." I say smiling softly. "Goodnight." I squeeze her gently as she kisses my neck.

"Goodnight." She whispers in return, handing me a pair of her late husband's pajamas.

I nod my thanks and head down the hall to the guest bedroom. I change but before crawling into bed, I pull out my wallet and open it, kissing the picture of my fiancé goodnight. I slip under the covers thinking about Jules minor intimacy with me tonight. I'm not used to women doing that, not that I really mind a whole lot, she is absolutely stunning but it's just not routine for me I guess. I don't really want to find out what tomorrow brings, one of my best friend's was killed today, do I really want to know what happens tomorrow? All I do know is that I have to find that picture of Sam that I have since the news crews want more intimate pictures of him by himself and with friends. I think the one I have is where Sam's in his fatigues, all dressed and loaded to go out on patrol with Matt and Felipe, Matt and I had painted a huge smiley face covering his entire chest on his uniform that had the words, 'Please don't shoot me. I'm happy and you'll kill the mood.' written in for the eyes and mouth. Now his father wasn't too happy but it was really funny when we did it. We all painted it on our uniforms and someone took a picture of all of us like that. I miss them, all of them. Felipe was killed by an improvised explosive device while out on patrol with me. The worst thing of it, was that he didn't die right away. He died twenty five minutes in my arms, in the sand, ten miles from camp. I carried his body back. I've been a little messed up since then, PTSD, not drugs if that's what you thought I meant. It's late and my body begins to turn off, my brain powering down until the mental picture of my fiancé that I always see, slowly fades away into blackness.

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_**A/N:**__ Please review! Thanks!_


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**_** A/N:**__ Hi again! Sorry for long wait. Sort of short chapter, sorry. Please R&R! Thanks!_

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Zac's POV:

I feel like I'm boiling inside of my own skin. My pulse is pounding in my ears. I jolt awake as a wave of heat crashes over my head, suffocating me. I struggle to breathe as I fling myself out of bed and hurry to the restroom, dunking my head in the sink, running ice cold water over my thick, dark brown hair. Finally, I can breathe. I don't what happened. It might've just been a nightmare. I've been having those more often, even during the day, since Sam died. The whole thing's just been a nightmare. I slowly walk back to the bedroom, collapsing onto the bed. I slow my heart down maybe a bit too much because I couldn't hear Jules pushing the door open, or feel her hand pressing against my forehead. Her voice slowly filters through my brain, my eyes beginning to open.

"Zac? Zac talk to me. C'mon, say something!" she pleads.

Her face is blurry for a minute before it starts to clear into her beautiful features. "Jules?" I ask groggily.

"Hey, hey you're ok. It's alright." She soothes. "I'm going to grab a cold washcloth for you. I'll be right back."

"Jules, I'm fine." I try to say before she leaves. I push myself to a sitting position, reaching for my wallet. I caress my fiancé's gorgeous face. Jules re-enters, startling me. She presses the cloth into my forehead. "I'm fine, thank you though." I insist.

She smiles but doesn't back away. "What are you looking at?" she asks softly.

I gently tug the picture out and hand it to Jules. "This is my fiancé, Felipe. I miss him." I say quietly.

She holds the picture of him in her hand but her head darts up when I speak. She has that _'What?!'_ look plastered on her face.

"I – I'm so sorry. So, uh, this is going to sound really, really bad but you're uh, um…"

"Gay? Yes." I answer for her.

She takes a deep breath as the information soaks in. "Oh god, all the things I was doing yesterday, were sort of flirty and you…you're. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It _was_ a long time ago. Nine years. I'm not saying it doesn't still hurt but it's not as bad. Sam's death has really hit me hard. Now I'm the only one. Felipe and I might've been engaged but we were all really close. Hell, Sam and Matt went out sometimes and then we all took each other's dates. Friend wise, I was closer to Sam than I was Matt and Felipe was closer to Matt than Sam. But it was always me and Felipe, Sam and Matt. We were together for eight years, from sixteen to twenty-four." I state, tears beginning to well in the corner of my eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what that was like for you, losing someone that was so close. Did Matt, pass away before that?" she asks.

"No, it was eight months, six days, thirteen hours, and twenty three minutes after. Sam had been holding me together for the past eight months and then life turned around to kick him in stomach. It was my turn to keep him from going over the deep end and I could only do so much. It took a half a dozen suicide attempts for his father to finally send him back home and get him some lousy counseling that didn't help."

She shakes her head sadly. "I'm so sorry."

A few minutes of silence pass before I rifle through my wallet and find another picture of Sammy that doesn't bring back the best of memories. Sam was sitting upright in his bed, shirtless, pale, weak, and sickly. Both of his hands were wrapped in thick white bandages and gauze, his chest also bandaged in five large areas. Despite the situation, a half-smile played softly on his lips. As I fiddle with the corner, another photo comes peeling away from behind it. I smile when I see what the picture is. I must've taken two pictures that day. Sam was in the same state but Matt was by his side, both of them gently kissing each other's lips. They were the closest, non-related brothers I had ever seen. I hand Jules both pictures. She seems a bit startled that her husband was rather intimately kissing his best friend, but like I said, they practically grew up as brothers and they had just as much affection for each other as Felipe and I had.

"Why was Sam bandaged?" she asks.

"He was burned by a white phosphorous grenade." I answer.

"What happened?"

I think for a moment. Where should I start?

_Kandahar, KAN, Afghanistan: Eight Years Earlier_

_Sam and I have been sent on patrol. We are fifteen miles away from camp when it happens. I had bent down to retie by boot that was sort of falling apart when I felt something sort of heavy land on my back._

"_Sam, c'mon man, what's the big idea? Scarin' a guy half to death while he's tying this dang boot in a warzone. That ain't cool bro.' I mutter playfully. _

_I glance up at Sam and realized that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. He had this terrified look plastered on his face. I see him lunging for the device stuck on my back._

"_Zac get down!" he yells pulling the sticky grenade off me. _

_A split second later a loud explosion sounds and Sam screams. We're both thrown into the sand. I open my eyes and find one of my best friend's lying motionless into the sand, flames leaping off of his chest. _

"_Oh my god! Sam! Sam talk to me! Answer me, Sammy!" I scream, running over to him. I stare at him unable to move for a second before I grab our canteens, dousing Sam's burning body in the water, frantically patting the flames before they completely destroy him. The flames finally dissipate but I can see the blood bubbling out of the deep burns on his chest, hands, and right cheek. "Sammy! Talk to me buddy! C'mon say something!" I plead feeling for a pulse, finding a quick, weak one struggling to beat._

_I hold him in my arms, watchful of his burns until he begins to stir awake, screaming in pain as it hits him full force, causing him to vomit. _

"_Hang in there, baby." I murmur dabbing the beads of sweat off of his forehead as his head rests in my lap. _

"_W-white phosphorous." He mumbles hoarsely. _

"_Come again?" I ask needing him to repeat._

"_The grenade, white phosphorous in it. Zac? I – I'm burned aren't I? Blood. Matty. Tell Matty how much I love him." He states weakly, his chest heaving struggling to breathe. _

"_No sweetie, c'mon, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna tell Matty, alright? C'mon, stay with me, we need you Sammy. Matty needs you. C'mon baby."_

_I struggle to lift Sam to his feet, gently pressing gauze and field bandages into his bloody burns. He yelps in pain and nearly blacks out. I try to carry him but there's nowhere I can place my hands without inflicting severe pain. Sammy keeps mumbling things about Matty and what he wants us to have when he dies. _

"_Sammy, please! Snap out of it! We're seven miles from camp, you're gonna make it. Matty's going to whoop your ass when he hears that you've been talking smack like this. Cut it out, baby." I plead with him. _

_He says something incoherent and that's when I start to get scared. Sweat is dripping down his face and I can hear him sucking for air in the thin, desert atmosphere. All the colour has drained with the blood that is steadily seeping from the bandages as he is weakly clinging to me. In mid-stride, he suddenly collapses. _

"_Sammy!" I scream dropping to my knees next to him, not caring that there could be thousands of insurgents pointing automatic weapons at my head. "C'mon stay with me, Sammy! Stay with me!" I struggle to find his pulse. _

_His eyes open sharply as he gasps for breath. He grabs the collar of my Kevlar vest, his hands shake but his grip is surprisingly strong. His voice comes out in a hoarse, weak, thin whisper while he gazes with his ever dulling and dimming eyes, into my own. My arms hold him up, my hands firmly on his back, fearful – fearful that he would suddenly die. _

"_Z-z-z-ac," he starts. "Z-zac I –I'm…I'm dying." Sammy coughs weakly for air. "I – I need you, to tell M-m-ma-matty ho-how m-mu-much I lo-love him." He pauses to breathe, his eyes growing duller and his body failing him. "A-a-and m-m-my D-d-da-dad th-that I – I lo-love h-him t-too. O-o-ok-okay?" he asks, slowly slipping away from me. _

_I wanted to argue with him about that last part. His father should be the last person on the earth that should know Sammy loved him and he doesn't deserve Sam's love especially after how terrible he's treated his own flesh and blood, but I'm not about to argue with a dying man's last wishes no matter how psychotic they are. I nod my head instead. _

"_Okay baby. Okay I will, but can you try, just try for me baby, to stay with me a little while longer will you baby? I know it's hard, sweetie. I know you're tired. But please try for me Sammy. I love you too." I murmur, stroking his cheeks and gently planting a kiss on his damp forehead the same second that his body fails him, falling limp and lifeless in my arms._

'_~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~' _

_To Be Continued…_

'_~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~' _

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_**A/N:**__ I have nothing intelligent to say other than: thank you so much for reading and please review! :P _


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**_** A/N:**__ Hi again guys! Sorry for the half-cliffy but I wanted to give you guys a chapter…so…..yeah. I'm going to try to finish this little flashy-backy thingy up. I guess what I'm trying to establish with this is how close Sam, Zac, Felipe and Matt really were. So I hope you like it. _

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_Kandahar, KAN, Afghanistan_

_**Zac's POV:**_

_RECAP:*"Okay baby. Okay I will, but can you try, just try for me baby, to stay with me a little while longer will you baby? I know it's hard, sweetie. I know you're tired. But please try for me Sammy. I love you too." I murmur, stroking his cheeks and gently planting a kiss on his damp forehead the same second that his body fails him, falling limp and lifeless in my arms.*_

"_Sammy! SAMMY!" I scream, frantically laying his still bleeding body on the sand searching for a pulse yet to no avail. "Sam," I choke out, feeling that his heart has ceased to beat. I begin CPR not expecting anything to happen. He lay there lifeless, his face so pale and his body so still. How the hell am I supposed to tell Matty; his brother, his best friend, his boyfriend. Despite all the thoughts racing around in my head about how I'm supposed to tell Matt, and our CO and his father the General of the whole freaking army, I just keep pumping Sammy's chest, praying that maybe, just maybe I could get him back. In his weakened state before I lost him, it looked like he was going to collapse if the wind blew on him just the slightest little bit. Somehow, maybe it's from me being so frantic or maybe it was God, but somehow Sammy takes this little half-gasp and it freaks me out so bad I jump up into the air and then, upon realizing what has happened, I squeal for joy like a two year old little girl, kneeling next to Sammy again, kissing him everywhere, feeling the intense heat rising off his face, his fever returning. _

"_C'mon baby, let's get you home." I murmur, helping him to his feet. _

_He doesn't speak, only wobbles on his feet, taking very shaky steps. After an hour or so, he passes out again. I'm not really surprised, I mean, the kid died for one but he hadn't been talking at all. I'm pretty sure his fever is worse now and he's losing more and more blood. I have to throw him over my shoulder to carry him. He grunts in pain even in his unconscious state. _

"_I'm sorry, sweetie." I tell him as his blood seeps into my fatigues. _

_*******************************4 HOURS LATER ********************************_

_Just as it's almost pitch black out here, I walk into the compound, Sammy not doing any better I'm sure. Making my way through the maze of hallways, I find Sammy and Matty's room. Gently pushing the door open and slowly entering, I find Matty on a phone pacing around the room, he looks about ten pounds lighter. _

"_Oh my god where the hell have you two been?!" he shouts at me, exasperated, angry, and worried but clearly relieved. He looks at the body over my shoulder and pales, nearly sinking to his knees. "No, God, Sammy." His green eyes pierce through my silver steel ones. "Is he dead?" he asks choked. I can't answer him. "Is he dead?!" Matty screams, dropping to his knees. I slowly shake my head 'no' stunned by his usual docile temperament turned to that of fury and hurt. "Lay him down and get a doctor in here, now. What happened? Are you hurt?" he asks, the calm and soothing tone returning to his voice the moment he knew Sammy still had a chance. _

_I shake my head again. "It was a white phosphorous grenade. It hit me but he pulled it off, it got in his bloodstream, he's bleeding."_

_Matty puts his arm on my shoulder once I lay Sam down his bed. "Are you okay though?"_

_I nod. "I'll – I'll be fine. It just spooked me that's all. This is all his blood." I state realizing it looked like my entire shoulder had been blown off from all the blood on me. _

_The next few hours are a blur. The doctors are in here constantly, Felipe was telling me for the longest time to go to bed and now he's sitting next to me, his arms wrapped around me as I cry from exhaustion and Sam's pain. Matty's a nervous wreck. I've never seen him so upset before. Sammy keeps dipping down into the red and coming back up again nearly giving all of us a heart attack each time. I finally must've fallen asleep sometime 'cause I wake around seven a.m. in my own bed. I stumble into Sammy's room where Matty and Felipe are sitting drinking coffee. He made it through the night. _

"_We have to call the General." Matt states firmly after the greetings. "Sammy made the night, but they don't know if he's going to last much longer. He needs blood and lots of love, and both are hard to come by around here."_

_To Be Continued…_

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_**A/N:**__ A short chapter I know, I'm sorry. __ I'll be posting again shortly! Thanks so much for reading and please REVIEW! _


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